What you need to know about the World Cup
There is swearing amid the cogent enthusiasm
by Griffin Burrough, with assists from his brother Dane, who shouted asides from another room
We will begin our presentation with the US program and our journey to Qatar before reflecting on wtf everyone is so angry about the fact that we are playing the world's greatest soccer tournament in November in the m…f#@&ing desert.
The US did not qualify for the 2018 World Cup. It is arguably the greatest tragedy in American soccer history. You remember how there's a brief period every year where America gives a s*&t about soccer and then some people continue to care? Yeah, we didn't have that in 2018, and it did damage to our standing.
In the wake of this great tragedy, the US decided to burn the whole program to the ground and start over. The US that failed to qualify in 2018 were old. The team that has qualified in 2022 is the youngest team playing at this year's World Cup. There is only one player on the world cup roster that has been to a World Cup before: right back Deandre Yedlin.
So now that you understand the context of our team, let's meet the players you need to know.
Start with the most important part, you're always fighting for your reader's attention;). Christian Pulisic was the wonder kid that played on the team that failed to qualify back in 2017. He was 17 at the time. Now at the ripe age of 23 or so, he plays for Chelsea in the Premier League after completing a move from Dortmund for $60M. He plays on the left wing and when he's playing his best, we are a scary team. The problem is that he wears the weight of the USA on his back and often gets in his own head. He's known for skillfully dribbling through fools and making them look silly. More often than not, defenders just hit him.
Christian Pulisic is known for skillfully dribbling through fools and making them look silly.
Rounding out our so called, big three, are midfielders Weston McKennie and Tyler Adams. Wes is from the Dallas area, Ty is from upstate New York. Wes plays as a roving midfielder and he's kind of our big wild card. He tries a lot of sh*t, and when it works, he's the best player on the field. When it doesn't, he's a goddamn fool who's too concerned with looking good in photos (this is Griffin's take. Dane thinks he's a man among boys and plays with an edge the team absolutely needs). Ty is the engine that drives the US. He plays defensive midfield and his job is to run all over the place and ruin the other team's happiness. It's the position Griffin plays in soccer. Run run run, f*&k your mother, get yellow card, start a fight, run some more. If Ty gets injured we are proper f%#ked. Wes plays for Italian giants Juventus, and Ty plays for Leeds United in the Premier League.
Tyler Adams is the engine that drives the US. He plays defensive midfield and his job is to run all over the place and ruin the other team's happiness.
Some other big names to know are Brendan Aaronson, Yunus Musah, and Sergino Dest. Brendan Aaronson is the Messi of Medford New Jersey. He very well might be Dane's favorite player (es verdad). He plays on either the left or right wing and his speciality is running at fools until he annoys them enough to take the ball away. Then he very quickly passes for an assist or scores a goal. Other players have skills, Brendan just outworks everyone. He's the second most expensive American in history after Pulisic. Leeds bought him for about $30M.
Yunus Musah had eligibility for England and Ghana but ended up choosing the US. That's a big story of this US team: the guys genuinely like each other and the vibes are good. They go golfing together, have bbqs, and are frequently seen on Instagram vacationing together. Think about that: you're spending all your time together, training together, playing together, and then you're like “let's keep hanging out?” It's a testament to this new generation of US players. Yunus is the third midfielder of what's affectionately known as the MMA midfield: Musah, McKennie, Adams. His specialty is dribbling. He really likes moving the ball up with his feet, staring defenders in the face, and thinking I'm about to make you look foolish. He is almost certainly the next American to make a big money move to the Premier League. He plays for Spanish club Valencia.
Yunus Musah really likes moving the ball up with his feet, staring defenders in the face, and thinking I'm about to make you look foolish.
Lastly is Sergino Dest who, along with Pulisic, is arguably the most talented player in our roster. He can play either right back (defense) or left back. He's incredibly talented with his feet and can score from 25 yards out. His big problem: lack of defensive effort. He's like Allen Iverson: short, talented, can really score, but man, could the dude play defense just once??? It's a big ole problem for a guy who's supposed to be a defender. He is currently on loan from Barcelona and plays for AC Milan.
So why are we playing the World Cup in Qatar? Money, not even trying to hide it. Qatar basically bought the World Cup along with Russia about a decade ago. It was so brazen that the FBI and other agencies investigated and ultimately brought down the top leaders of FIFA for corruption. Qatar? Really? You really thought we would buy that one? Now Qatar doesn't have much of a footballing presence or the people to build all the stadiums they'd need. The solution: bring in the immigrants. And just like you'd expect, these immigrants were not treated well and many of them have died. FIFA's solution? Don't talk about it. Yeah, it's bad. Also no alcohol or gay people so look for some fun protests throughout the tournament.
Finally our mildly polarizing coach: Greg Berhalter. He'll take the blame when we inevitably don't do as well as we should. The most interesting thing about him: his behind the back passes. Why does he bounce the ball behind his back when it goes out of play? Because it's more efficient! You must stand up and cheer when you see triple G do the behind the back pass.
And that's what you need to know to get you started with the US at the World Cup.
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