The fallacy of resilience
A conversation with Emi Nietfeld, author of "Acceptance: A Memoir"
Emi Nietfeld appeared on the Zoom screen in perhaps the same blue shirt she wore in her photo for Acceptance: A Memoir. Sitting in an office featuring dark wood shelves, she looked like a bookish Bri Larson, chipper and alert despite just having had to redo an hour-plus interview with CNN Wellness because they forgot to hit record the first time. This is the grind of publicizing a book. “We'll do it five times if we have to,” she said.
I told her memoirs weren’t usually my jam, forgetting that I loved The Liars’ Club and LIT: A Memoir. Emi said her memoir, Acceptance, has been getting a better-than-expected reception from male readers because she wrote it like she was running out of a burning building, taking only the words with her that were necessary.
Her story of growing up with a hoarder mom and a trans dad who abandoned them does not wait for the readers to process their feelings about her trips to mental institutions, foster care, homelessness, and, eventually, Harvard. Her story moves with purpose because she knew that her only way out was up. Her life and her book both achieved escape velocity.
“I'm not drawn to memoirs that have a lot of analysis,” she said, “and so it was actually a big frustration when I was writing the book, and I wanted it to be immediate and visceral. And then basically having to be, okay, we need a little bit more analysis, a little bit more separation between the narrator and the protagonist. So I try to do it subtly, so it doesn't bog down the narrative, and maybe it gives people a little time to breathe.”
Seriously, folks, the book sails.
And that’s when she brought up resilience.
“I'm curious if you have a take, because you're a guy and you liked [the book], but I was wondering if part of it is that this idea of resilience and having to be strong is something that men are getting more than women in our society.”
Resilience is the biggest contradiction that the book works through. On the one hand, Emi is the most resilient character I’ve ever read. On the other, the people telling her to be the resilient — her mother, her father, the folks at the mental institution, et al — were largely to blame for the circumstances that required her to be so resilient.
“I think resilience is kind of a sacred cow in our society right now,” she said. “And it's felt really validating to, to like share my opinion of how it's overrated and then have a lot of people be like, I've been thinking exactly the same thing. There's definitely times where controlling yourself is the only choice that people have. What really worries me is when that language of just work on yourself is used instead of looking at any of the systemic issues.”
“And there's really no limit to where that logic stops. I think we've really bought into resilience 100%. And if the Holocaust happened again, I think people would think those victims need to be resilient. There's no atrocity that we don't think of as too horrible for the gospel of resilience to apply.”
She’s received some criticism from readers for not forgiving her parents. “We have this idea that forgiveness is similar to resilience where forgiveness is this magic dust that people who have been wronged have, and it's really their responsibility and obligation to sprinkle that dust to make everything right.”
And that brings us back to the surprising paradox of Acceptance. Emi’s arguing against the primacy of resilience but is also the most resilient person I've ever read about.
“Redefining your relationship with your parents is also is a kind of resilience, isn't it?” I asked. “I mean, no one's doing that for you. You have to do that for yourself.”
“I thought this book was only gonna be a good story if it had the happiest ending and the happiest ending included my family being intact and reconciling and we all understand each other and there's like a story that everybody can agree on that everybody can live with.”
“That's what you were hoping when you were writing this book?” I asked. “Oh, Emi.”
“I know, but I was young and I really thought I really believed it was possible. I was like, if I could get into Harvard, I can make my parents love me.”
She spent three years, writing the book she thought would reunite her family until she accepted reality. “I became really depressed when I was like, this probably isn't gonna happen,” she said.
“So that's really kind of probably why you wrote the book, isn't it?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“I mean, you went into it with a delusion and came out with certainty.”
“Well, I think that's the theme for a lot of things in my life.”
Ladies and gentlemen, Emi Nietfeld is a helluva writer, and Acceptance: A Memoir is a helluva book. Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy.
Jason Stanford is the co-author of NYT-best selling Forget the Alamo: The Rise and Fall of an American Myth. His bylines have appeared in the Washington Post, Time, and Texas Monthly, among others. He works at the Austin Independent School District as Chief of Communications and Community Engagement, though he would want to point out that these are his personal opinions and his alone, but you already knew that. Follow him on Twitter @JasStanford.
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