Take Us To Your Thought Leaders
Having mastered intergalactic space travel, our alien friends have yet to master PR
If you’re like me, perhaps you assumed that the blasé reaction to UFOs is a consequence of how crazy things are these days. But what if UFOs are guilty of a bad product rollout? Jack Hughes has some smart PR advice for our visitors.
by Jack Hughes
Last week the venerable CBS News program 60 Minutes, perhaps the last of the truly trusted bastions of journalism, reported that UFOs are real. The bombshell was met with…stifled yawns. The next day former President Barack Obama, certainly among a handful of people on Earth who have had access to the most top-secret confidential intelligence, effectively confirmed the reports. It generated not a crisis but…crickets.
Despite having mastered the myriad complexities of intergalactic space travel, then, our alien friends have yet to master the simple basics of public relations. That’s not to say they’ve not tried. Not only have they helped to create viral videos of physics-defying flying skills, but they’ve routinely performed pop-up nighttime light shows above big American cities – and yet they still have just plain awful brand awareness.
For this, I blame their market research team. Humanity has been sending out signals about what appeals to us via radio waves and satellites for over a century. It shouldn’t have been hard for them to discern a pattern – just based on the repetition of certain content alone – about what grabs our collective attention. Of course, that’s not to say they should understand why we find it so entertaining – it’s often a mystery to us too.
Still, had they gone through the data they’d know there are tried-and-true tactics to get our sedentary masses to sit up and take notice. Yes, I’m assuming that’s their goal. If they’re trying to fly under the radar, literally or figuratively, they wouldn’t be as brazenly omnipresent in the skies above the most influential media market on the planet. They’re not exactly acting like silent observers trying to sneak up on us.
If they’re trying to fly under the radar, literally or figuratively, they wouldn’t be as brazenly omnipresent in the skies above the most influential media market on the planet. They’re not exactly acting like silent observers trying to sneak up on us.
First, they could start a rumour that one of them is dating a celebrity. Not just any celebrity mind you – no need to go full Kardashian or anything – but, ideally, they should pick a Jennifer: Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Aniston. Even an unfounded rumour on TMZ or in the Daily Mail that an alien is dating one of those three – or, for that matter, any of their famous exes – would be huge news worldwide.
Second, they could book an exclusive interview with Oprah. I’ll admit this one is getting a tired – but there’s no denying a heavily-hyped Oprah interview will pull in massive ratings. While we don’t know if the aliens are governed by a hierarchical hereditary monarchy, constitutional or otherwise, but, if so, it’d be an even bigger draw if they hinted that they’ll be dishing some dirt about a rift in their Royal family.
Third, and this one they need to be a little careful with, they could…ahem…‘unearth’ an old tweet. To be clear, they want to get an old tweet trending that aged well – a prophetic prediction about something which came true – not one which hasn’t aged well. Their aim, we’re assuming, is to be famous not infamous. Best, then, to avoid jokes that might’ve got them a laugh at the time but would get them fired now.
As a rule, our galactic guests should assiduously avoid polarizing publicity stunts which generate more heat than light. They shouldn’t try to be provocative and pick a divisive political position just to spark a fiery debate. There’s no upside to them talking about contentious topics such as immigration policy. With respect, now’s not the time for them to weigh in on whether they find the term ‘illegal alien’ offensive.
Now’s not the time for them to weigh in on whether they find the term ‘illegal alien’ offensive.
Let’s also put to rest the notion that there’s no such thing a bad publicity. Too much of a thing, good or bad, is counterproductive. Overexposure can actually hurt your brand awareness as people just start tuning it out – like when you stop hearing the music that plays over and over while you’re stuck on the phone trying to change your cable package or are sitting in front of your laptop waiting to join a web conference.
This then brings me to my actual PR pitch for any terrestrial tourists – stop coming to Earth and go to Mars. We humans love discovering new things. We like solving puzzles. We like finding new shows on Netflix and telling our friends about them. It gives us a sense of ownership and a weirdly emotional investment. (Admit it, we take it personally when our friends don’t immediately watch the shows we recommend.)
By just showing up on Earth and putting themselves out there, they’ve robbed us of that eureka euphoria. We’ve gone from “Do you believe in aliens?” to “Can you believe those aliens? Who do they think they are?” But it’s not too late for a re-brand. If they go to Mars and wait for NASA’s Perseverance rover and Ingenuity helicopter to stumble upon them, then, Great Scott, we found life on Mars! Not aliens, Martians!
If that were to happen I guarantee you there’d be wall-to-wall 24/7 coverage on CNN and every other news network on the planet. NASA would be hailed as heroes and our new Martian friends would be invited to Earth for a ticker-tape parade down Fifth Avenue in New York. There’d be summits, cultural exchanges, trade missions, and an annual “Mars Madness” basketball tournament tied to new Space Jam movies.
It’s not too late for a re-brand.
(Some of you may be thinking, wait, they’re not from Mars, why would anyone call them Martians? I would direct you to the U.S. Department of the Interior and, more specifically, its Bureau of Indian Affairs which is responsible for indigenous peoples. They are still called Indians in Washington – and in Cleveland – because Christopher Columbus “discovered” them back in 1492 in what he insisted, wrongly, was India.)
Look, the past year has been a lot. We don’t need a bunch of randos showing up at our door like a takeout guy bringing us food who won’t leave after he knocked even though we clearly chose contactless delivery. We’re just starting to come out of a lengthy period of ‘zero contact’ so now’s not the time to proactively or aggressively initiate ‘first contact’. Pardon the pun, it’s just that we need a little space right now.
Jack Hughes is a communications consultant based in Canada. His previous contributions to The Experiment include “Same of Thrones,” “Tippecanoe and Agnew Anew,” “Harris / Shuri 2020,” “Bidenfeld,” “Firth and Firthiness,” “The Ballot of Bill McKay,” and “The World Wants ‘The West Wing,’” among others. His inexplicably extensive writings on Dan Quayle are “The Unusual Suspect,” “The Unusual Suspect II,” “The GOPfather” and “Porqua, CoQau?” Connect with him on LinkedIn here.
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