Publish or Perish
In which Monte inventories YouTube. The whole blessed thing.
My old friend Monte Williams, who showed up in June with “Content for Jason,” is back what a pedantic clinician might merely deem evidence of emotional instability, if not outright madness, of which I confess a preference over madness by degrees. He is turning his quarantine into a science project, one concludes, hopefully, preferring a literally interpretation of what follows over that of the aforementioned clinicians. I look forward to further documentary evidence of his unraveling, but let us not anticipation of the inevitable distract us from the table set before us. Enjoy.
by Monte Williams
I’m committed to goals with numbers attached, 6 of this, 50 of that and so on, and that has informed the design of my comprehensive and fully funded research project targeting YouTube. That full funding part means no corner-cutting, in other words no settling for those per capita shortcuts. Instead I am intoxicated! and not just by the beckoning call of pure research, but I guess I should stay on topic. Pure research is a lonely path, momentarily beautiful, occasionally disorienting but always lonely. And once my project is finished I will offer the fruits of my labor to an intrigued world, an academic tithe given in the spirit of full transparency, with no other agenda and no strings attached, especially since Nature, Science, and The Lancet have all foolishly passed on publishing my research. YouTube management seem determined to lie in wait like predatory cherry-picking eels. But to be fair, the phone numbers I have for YouTube’s director-level-up may be outdated, or regrettably certain YouTube execs may have put undue emphasis on thoroughly discredited rumors concerning my research, rumors which may have resulted in them acting on caller ID alone.
So let’s peel the proverbial onion. The abstract for my project is anything but—in the middle of this forsaken summer of 2020, I am taking the ultimate micro dive into our macroglobal viscera by watching every video on YouTube.
Let me cut off one avenue of attack that might be launched by some who are reading this, extremely jealous and habitually underfunded researchers eager to undermine my discoveries. Listen--I know the entire catalogue of YouTube changes daily, okay? but it’s like a .00004% change in total content on any given day so HA! I shot that argument down like the bullseye barn-door combustible zeppelin it was.
As far as collecting my data (as opposed to the masturbatory verb curating) I’m thrilled to announce a milestone. I have arrived at “i” and in fact I’m well into the letter, right now watching the 211,655 videos slugged ICE FISHING MISHAPS. Early in my YouTube journey I convinced a shadowy neighbor to write a program override that I can insert into the website’s search bar where it subsequently ignores puffery and looks for the first relevant subject noun, so (HILARIOUS) ICE FISHING MISHAPS and (TOP TEN AWESOME) ICE FISHING MISHAPS are winnowed out, even the tough to detect (YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS IN #9) ICE FISHING MISHAPS.
All those peer-reviewed scholarly publications can sit on it this go-round. I’m headed straight for Downbeat Magazine if it still exists.
YouTube’s letter “b” was particularly tough, especially the 600+ videos (mostly from the UK) with BARLEY in the title. BARLEY videos aggregated into two broad groups, one a fixed camera 4K blowing-waves-of-grain-soothing Tai Chi type, the other a series of men vomiting outside pubs. Of particular interest was the age range of the men. The 1.4 million videos beginning with “c” were a breeze, a c-breeze, and “d” was hardly worth the trouble, but I should start with “a.” The “a” list had an astonishing range. I can now cook ABALONE and know a lot more about ALIMONY and have watched every one of the 47 videos that had ACRIMONY in the title although not a single one explained why. The letter “f” is exactly what you’d expect. But how could I not sing the praises of “f”s glorious predecessor, “e”? Oh, wondrous “e,” the mighty ELEPHANT, the stately ELM, the puzzling EGRET. And did I mention EURASIA? Uh huh, that’s some big shit there. Overall, I came away from “e” with some strong opinions, for instance don’t get me started on that wacky-ass ERGODAN.
A researching hack has helped me along. Reviewing my work, turns out I have slogged through 8 out of every 10 YouTube videos watching without audio. On occasion I have to listen as well as watch, but I can’t escape the fact that overall I like to free up at least one of my other major senses and so by default I am analyzing my YouTube research as a mostly visual data set which has its advantages, for instance I’m eagerly anticipating the stately initial “w” which will supply thousands of really watchable but audio-optional videos like (MONSTER) WAVES and (YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS IN #9) WAVES. Of course, there’s always the chance I will have already seen most of them when studying “t” and watching (MONSTER) TSUNAMIS.
During all this watching my ears refuse to remain idle! so just as science is pursuing both a vaccine and a therapeutic treatment, I’m researching not only the visual content of YouTube but also the audio-centric algorithmic nuances engineered by the sauna addicts at Spotify. Again, this is fully funded research aimed at predicting changes in songs and artists offered to me via Spotify’s algorithm. How? By examining a small marker within music, namely beats per minute. And all those peer-reviewed scholarly publications can sit on it this go-round. I’m headed straight for Downbeat Magazine if it still exists.
Where will this research lead me? Who cares as long as my research continues to be fully funded.
I am a Nordic walker which means when I’m exercising, especially when I’m pushing the pace, I look like someone who’s just stolen a couple of tent poles from REI. Nordic walking is an odd exercise but it does give me a glimpse into quadruped life. The key is to keep a fitness-level cadence, and therefore beats per minute is my crucial metric, not cardiac BPM, rather marching/rock/jazz/oompah band metronomic BPM. I have hundreds, approaching thousands of songs via Spotify, and make a mental note of those songs that push my pace, or allow me to slack off a little, so I’ve circled back and counted and divided and have determined that songs within the range of 88 to 110 beats per minutes are my Nordic sweet spot. (Here you will find a link to my 88-110 BPM playlist.) The point is this: The more I *liked* selections within that BPM range, the more Spotify suggestions came back right in that range. Armed with that knowledge, I am going to continue to *like* songs within 88-110 BPM but I’ll add in sequenced additional filters. My first secondary filter is to only *like* songs with 88-110 BPM that are in French. A month or two from now, I’ll add another filter, 88-110 BPM in French and one reference to Lake Huron. Where will this research lead me? Who cares as long as my research continues to be fully funded. I will be updating these projects and continuing to call the Luddites at YouTube so stay tuned.
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