One Day at a Time
“Hi, I’m Jamie and I’m alcoholic.”
When Jamie Wollrab told me he was giving up drinking, my first thought was “Damn, there goes one of my drinking buddies.” Luckily, I kept that to myself, and to this day that unspoken reaction ranks as one of my biggest regrets. As a counterpoint, one of my greatest joys has been seeing Jamie become himself in full in recovery. Jamie is fully alive now and was gracious enough to share his thoughts about getting sober with us in his debut in The Experiment.
by Jamie Wollrab
I quit drinking Jan 1, 2010. It was just like many others who have New Years resolutions: have a dry January and finally get my affairs in order. Take the next step into a better version of myself… blah blah blah.
Only this year something was different. I had made so many deals with myself over the past few years. Only drinking on weekends or going weeks at a time without drinking. Yet, I was always thinking about it and when I did drink there wasn’t an end. There is a cliché I hear all the time in AA now: “One drink is too many and one thousand isn’t enough…” To feel this out of control and to be using all of my mental resources to manage it was taking a toll.
I come from a long ancestral line of addicts. For those of them who never got sober, it was hard to distinguish their addiction from their personality. Yet I was coming across people in Los Angeles who were sober and I found their personality very confronting. They could go places and be calm and present, even just being able to show up early to parties and leave early. I was dumbfounded by this.
So, on New Years Eve 2009 I knew I wanted more for my life. I was engaged at the time to a wonderful and successful lawyer and I had to do something to make the best of my life. A break from alcohol must be the answer! What the next few years brought was the most painful, honest, and exhilarating experience of my life.
My fiancé still lived in Austin, Texas—I was without a car in LA because of a traffic violation. But I found the conviction to begin going to AA meetings. Checking them out and listening. I was a pretty seasoned member of Alanon at that time so I was used to the format and style of 12-step meetings. But, I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that perhaps the alcoholic that was truly plaguing my life… was me. So I wouldn’t qualify as a drunk… I’d say “I’m just checking it out” or “I’m here to listen.”
About two months into near-daily meetings, watching people introduce themselves and identify, I said, “Hi, I’m Jamie and I’m alcoholic.” It just happened. It felt like a swallowed bug as the words came out of my mouth. Yet maybe the most honest thing I’ve ever said. I felt a relaxation and peace come over me for a few moments. Then absolute fear and grief. I can’t go back now.
“Hi, I’m Jamie and I’m alcoholic.” It just happened. It felt like a swallowed bug as the words came out of my mouth.
I proceeded to get a sponsor and worked the steps. It actually messed with my whole sense of self. I was a knot of anxiety trying to manage my life and what every single person thought of me. And now I was this exposed nerve. I didn’t have the blanket of alcohol to help my deep insecurity and feeling of emptiness. I wish I could say that things got immediately better but they didn’t. My relationship—and engagement—ended and I had to move out alone. At the same time, I had a head full of recovery. I felt betrayed and angry. Yet, what was different about this experience was that I was actually feeling. I was present. I was able to let go of the relationship with dignity and began the process of moving on.
Over the next few years, I built my life back up brick-by-brick. I found other anonymous programs that helped me with the whack-a-mole of addiction. Food, money, sex and love, to name a few. I developed honest and quiet friendships with people that worked through issues with me to my face, instead of behind my back. I made every amends I could and felt like I had a spine. A life of integrity.
The past few years have brought the experience of life happening for me. I found a new and wonderful partner, we have a beautiful son, and I have a thriving career. I am close to eleven years sober and I now have things that I would have never dreamed could be possible. All in spite of my best efforts and that deep wound of self-loathing that hasn’t, and maybe never will, go away. Still, I do contrary action and I am surrounded by those that see the best in me.
What is so tricky about this disease is that it has a warm seductive voice convincing you that it doesn’t exist. “I’ve made it to the top!” “You didn’t drink for 10 years!” “Celebrate with a drink! You deserve it!” Just recently, I had stopped going to many meetings. Especially with the pandemic, I felt the lull and made many excuses to numb out.
Until a dear friend relapsed, I suddenly felt that I wasn’t too far behind. My mind is a very strong and willful place. It can convince me that I know so much better than everyone one minute to being a shattered place of low self-esteem in the next. So I went back and recommitted myself to recovery, again. At least two meetings a day during the storm and even as the storm has passed I am staying. When I am around these desperate and willing fellows I feel like I belong. Like I can be useful. Like I matter. I can show up exactly as I am and when I leave these meetings now, a decade in, I feel balanced and right-sized. I can focus on what I can do today to stay sober and to be of service.
We live in a time where so many things feel completely insane and out of control. There is a first step in AA: I have to surrender, admit that I am powerless, and my life is unmanageable without a connection to a Higher Power. My mind can go to some really dark places. But I’m not alone. I make it my mission that no other willing addict has to be alone if I can help it. This purpose brings me joy and a sense of alignment. To stay aligned, I have to continue to show up. And that has proven to be the greatest gift of my life.
Jamie is a performance and creative coach based in Los Angeles. His company Jamie Wollrab Studios helps to develop theatre, TV, film. As well as leading acting, voice & embodiment programs in Los Angeles. You could follow him on Twitter at @wollrab77, but he posts more often as wollrab on Instagram.
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If your new year’s resolution was to lose weight, try Noom, and you’ll quickly learn how to change your behavior and relationship with food. This app has changed my life. Click on the blue box to get 20% off. Seriously, this works.
Headspace is a meditation app. I’ve used it for a couple years and am absolutely shocked at how much it’s taught me about managing my inner life. Try it free for a couple weeks. Don’t worry if you’ve never done it before. They talk you through it.
I now offer personal career coaching sessions through Need Hop.
We set up a merch table in the back where you can get T-shirts, coffee mugs, and even tote bags now. Show the world that you’re part of The Experiment.
We’ve also got a tip jar, and I promise to waste every cent you give me on having fun, because writing this newsletter for you is some of the most fun I’ve had.
Forget the Alamo: The Rise and Fall of the American Myth by Bryan Burrough, Chris Tomlinson, and myself comes out June 8 from Penguin Random House. There is no better way to support this book than to pre-order a copy. You’re going to love reading what really happened at the Alamo, why the heroic myth was created, and the real story behind the headlines about how we’re all still fighting about it today.
