Memories

by Rachel Megan Barker

Rachel Megan Barker, our highly caffeinated itinerant feminist and political organizer, checks in from quarantine with how strange it is to see evidence of a past life every day on Facebook Memories.

By Rachel Megan Barker

Looking at Facebook memories right now is a voyage into the surreal. I am someone who takes and posts a lot of photos, so my memories are filled with me out and about doing this or that - and looking at those photos now just feels entirely bizarre. Stuff that would have seemed perfectly normal, from being at a bar to being on holiday to taking a photo with a friend, are now things that I have not done for months and have no idea when I am going to be able to do again.

The idea of doing any of these perfectly normal things all seems like a fantasy right now. It feels similar to looking at a photoshopped picture of myself hanging out of Mars. Like, “sure, seems fun but obviously not a thing that actual people actually do.”

At the same time, I am seeing some people return to something that, while obviously nowhere near actual normality in most cases, feels a lot closer to normal than where I am at -  and that feels the same. Seeing people post photos of them on public transport - again, it really feels not that different to if I saw pictures of people hanging out on the moon. It feels impossible to even imagine it.

Plenty of people are making often careful and informed choices to dip their toes into this return to normality - and are being cautious and sensible. Other people are not, maybe, being quite as cautious and sensible. And plenty of people are key workers who have been doing things like getting public transport this whole time; not everyone even has that choice.

But the thing is, I know if I get covid there is a very real chance that I will die. And death is always there, really, of course - being human but this feels different. More solid.

Looking at Facebook Memories feels similar to looking at a photoshopped picture of myself hanging out on Mars. Like, “sure, seems fun but obviously not a thing that actual people actually do.”

And it’s also that if I catch covid then I spread it and then I could die with that being the last thing I ever did. And I can’t let that happen.

I look at Facebook memories most days right now. All these memories and ideas of doing normal things feel impossible but death feels so solid.

And that’s all ok - it’s just weird. I am genuinely lucky to be as safe as I am right now. I am lucky to be able to work from home. I am lucky to be safe at home.

There are going to be ways through this - and of course into the worst economic crisis I have seen in my lifetime, but that’s a problem for another post - I truly do believe that. There will be a vaccine or the governments that are being useless will finally be pressured to start copying the governments that aren’t, or something. 

And maybe when I finally can do those things that feel so impossible they will feel all the more wonderful for it.