Guys, let's try very hard to get this right

I'm backing Israel. One son is pro-Palestinian. Another is unsure. We all need to stick together.

Oct 29, 2023

Guys, I don’t think we’ve ever been here before. For as long as you’ve had thoughts in your brilliant heads, the most serious thing we’ve ever disagreed on is which NFL teams to root for. Granted, growing up in our home, the chances of you becoming Republicans were nil, and, in truth, someone of my generation had to do a lot more changing to get aligned with where your generation comfortably sits on matters of identity. But I got there, and I’m glad I did.

Since Oct. 7, though, we’re in new territory. I’m on one side of this, identifying with my Jewish friends who are wondering if it’s still safe for them anywhere. You’re understandably more focused on the plight of Gaza, and you’re not alone. In fact, most people your age think U.S. support for Israel makes the region less safe. Stances on this war aren’t breaking down along partisan lines but generational ones. It’s not Democrats versus Republicans but fathers and sons.

I’ve been ranting a bit about how I see things, I know. And I can hear in the careful way you push back with countervailing facts and perspectives that you are seeking to avoid conflict with me. So this is me learning from you. Let’s figure out how to disagree on this war without causing a conflict between us.

I can hear in the careful way you push back that you are seeking to avoid conflict.

At first, it was easy for me to discount that you might be taking anti-Israel stands. When the Chicago chapter of the Democratic Socialists of America celebrated Hamas’ attack, even Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez condemned them. I assumed cooler heads would prevail, but now I’m seeing news reports of Americans chanting “From the River to the Sea Palestine Will be Free.” And now I’m worried that I have to tell you what that phrase means to Jews. That chant is calling for the elimination of Israel. Please, I’m begging you, take care that those words never find a home in your mouths that I kissed before you could speak.

Thank you for talking with me about how many pro-Palestinian advocates view this conflict through a civil rights lens. I read this in the paper the other day, and it seemed so jarring.

For many on the left, sympathy for the Palestinian cause stems from the same feelings of powerlessness that fueled the protests after George Floyd’s murder three years ago.
“There’s definitely a direct correlation,” said DaMareo Cooper, a co-executive director of the Center for Popular Democracy, a collective of progressive community groups. “When we say Black Lives Matter, what’s really being said inside of that statement is a history of oppression.”

If you want to say Palestine is not free, you’ll find no quarrel with me. But if Israel is an oppressor, then how does it live in peace with Jordan, Egypt, and every other Arab country that it signed peace agreements with? And really, the Jews? These guys lead the league in being oppressed. How do centuries of Jews being oppressed not count? Jews are as likely to be victims of anti-semitism in this country as Muslims are to suffer acts of Islamophobia. Why don’t both matter?

I realize I’m intellectualizing this to conceal my fear that you would make the same mistake I’ve made a million times over and compound a desire for justice with self-righteousness. That’s why a lot of the protests I read about upset me. Of course we should all want Palestinians, who are mostly children, to have a safe country of their own. But believing that doesn’t excuse Hamas’ terrorism. It doesn’t mean Israel shouldn’t have existed in the first place. Even if Israel’s treatment of Gaza has been wrongheaded, counterproductive, and inhumane, that doesn’t excuse anyone who rationalizes or even celebrates the murder of 1,400 civilians. Israel being wrong doesn’t make Hamas right. It just makes everything awful.

This is not the first time fathers and sons have disagreed. I’m wary of falling into old patterns that have been left there for us. Let me give you an example: In May 1960, the House on Un-American Activities Committee held hearings in San Francisco to investigate alleged “communist subversion.” Thousands of protestors showed up and were met with firehoses and billy clubs. Leonard Nathan, a poet, fought bitterly with his son about going, arguing that he shouldn’t risk anything for a political show trial.

When the riots ended with no deaths and only a few arrests for low-level offenses, Nathan was relieved, that is, until he saw his son, “his face a bulge of blood,” blamed as one of the student leaders who caused the riot.

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Now, I recall the bias of my course;
Unending monologue of your dissent
Against my will and half irrelevant;
He hated every kind of fatherly force.

He'd sneer at choice, and, outraged, I would preach
That choice was all a driven man would know
To save him from his cause. Now, with one blow
Both fantasies are felled--and what to teach?

Somewhere between a father and a son,
Between compulsions begging at each hand,
I wait, but, like a coward, take no stand,
for when has either party ever won?

Nathan called this poem “Fathers and Sons.” After all, they aren’t the first father and son to ever disagree on what to do when the world periodically goes mad. The Baby Boomers fought bitterly with their fathers who fought in World War II. Now they are the strongest supporters of Israel in this war. Their adult children are divided, and the grandchildren opposed. As long as there are fathers and sons, it seems, there will be wars for them to disagree on.

But has either party ever won? We’ve still got politicians yammering about Communists. We’ve still got cops who will beat protestors. There will always be something wrong with the world whether we are paying attention or not. The same can’t be said of how close we are. Without careful attention, that can change.

So let’s start here: I know you. You are smart young men with good hearts who know right from wrong. And while we are all swayed by the tides of popular opinion and changed by the context in which we live, if you hold an opinion about something important, I assume it is carefully considered in good faith. Even if we disagree, I trust you.

I want you also to keep other facts in play. There is a reason Israel is where it is. After the Jews were liberated from their death camps, they had nowhere to go. They couldn’t return to communities where their citizens had willingly given them over to the Nazis even if their homes hadn’t been looted and destroyed.

Even if we disagree, I trust you.

And with very few exceptions, no country on Earth wanted to settle Jewish refugees. So, yes, Britain drew some new borders in Mandatory Palestine to create Israel so Jews could return to what they considered their homeland. If you want to think of Israel as colonizers, please keep in your heart that these were refugees seeking only peace and mercy. Blame the Brits if you want to blame someone for colonizing Palestine.

There was one other country where Jews were allowed to resettle, and that’s the United States, and I want you to be proud of that. Cynicism tempts us to respond with a litany of our inarguable sins: slavery, genocide against our indigenous people, not granting women full citizenship…

You could go on and on. Many do, but they miss the point that bothsidesism obscures. We might be as flawed as any other powerful country, bumbling through history with our armies and rapacious economies, except for one thing: We have built into our source code the expectation that we will constantly work towards being good. Some might even call it self-evident that all of us are created with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness built in. But we’re not there yet. We have to work towards becoming more perfect.

And when we accepted the resettlement of Jews after the war and from the Soviet Union during the Cold War, we became a more perfect union. Be proud of that, and be aware that Jews in this country are listening to everything we’re saying now to figure out if they are still safe here.

Ah, your old dad is getting off the subject. You two might be perfect, but your country isn’t. As Joe Biden likes to say, don’t compare me to perfection, compare me to the competition. This country is a team sport, and each of us has a role to play in making it more perfect. This is a lot to keep in mind, I know. You’re smart young men, though. You’ll figure it out.

Remember, I love you, no matter what.

Jason Stanford is a co-author of NYT-best selling Forget the Alamo: The Rise and Fall of an American Myth. His bylines have appeared in the Washington Post, Time, and Texas Monthly, among others. Follow him on Threads at @jasonstanford, or email him at jason31170@gmail.com.

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