FAQs for Straight Pride Parade
Boston has issued a permit for a "Straight Pride" parade -- now what?
Thank you for signing up for email updates for the Boston straight pride parade. I am pleased to tell you that the city of Boston has approved our permit, clearing the way for the first straight pride parade in history of our great country. We’ve been getting a lot of questions from you, and so we wanted to give you the latest information so you can plan ahead for this incredible event!
Who can participate?
This parade is for anyone to takes pride in the accomplishments of straight people. Why, this great country of ours was founded by straight people back in the days when gentlemen wore wigs and shoes with a sensible heel, and we have come a long way since then. That said, if your favorite part of The Post was seeing Meryl Streep in a caftan, this might not be the march for you.
You are encouraged to bring young people, literally anyone under 40. If you know someone who has black or Latino friends, encourage them to attend. Also, please remember to bring your wives. Right now our membership skews a little heavily in one demographic.
What is straight pride?
These days it seems like every marginalized community — LGBTQ, blacks, Latinos, even women — get their own months, marches, and parades. When gay pride month comes along every month, we always hear how proud they are not being marginalized anymore. To which we say, super! But no one ever thinks of the non-marginalized Americans, your basic, everyday default people who were holding society together in the vast blank spaces between those margins.
Do we have a cheer?
Yes. “We’re great! We’re straight! Often times we procreate!” But please, when cheering after chanting, please do not “woo.” A hearty “yeah!” is encouraged. “Woo doggie” is acceptable. Also, please no procreating on parade grounds.
What is proper attire?
We do not want to give anyone the impression that this is simply a way to troll gay people, or that this is another expression of rising fascism in white culture. Just dress normal: khakis, a Tom Brady jersey and New Balance shoes.
Will there be marching bands?
This is a straight pride parade, so no. But there will be 17 bagpipe troupes, a float with the Oak Ridge Boys, and one guy pulling a wagon with a very large bass drum that two other guys will take turns hitting.
Are certain behaviors not encouraged?
It is important that we be perceived as a straight pride parade, which raises the question about how to act specifically straight. None of us have ever had to worry that our behavior was telegraphing our sexual orientation in public in a way that could upset other people. The first key is not to overthink it, which is fundamental to being straight. You just are, no need to put much thought into it. And then, when in doubt, think of Tim Allen, but be careful not to ask your fellow marchers about their favorite tools.
How do we know if someone is straight?
People should always be assumed to be straight unless their behavior makes you feel uncomfortable. It is not necessary to mentally evaluate whether your fellow marchers are possibly not straight. That smiling young man with the strong jawline and trim waist could just be happy to celebrate straight pride. Don’t try to suss out any gay infiltrators with trick questions like, “Who’s your favorite Trump kid?” (gay answer: Tiffany) or “Are you gay?” Remember, heterosexuality is the default setting of humanity, and it’s safe to assume that someone is straight, so have fun.
Who are the corporate sponsors?
We have not been incredibly successful in securing corporate sponsorships. Wayfair, a founding sponsor, had to drop out after its workforce lit the factory on fire. Dockers initially looked promising, but apparently the brand is popular in the lesbian community. We even had positive conversations with Immigration and Customs Enforcement, but they were worried that sponsoring a straight pride parade might hurt their image.
But all is not lost. We would like to thank the sponsor of the first straight pride parade, Uber. They said we can use their discount code from Pride to get a discount on rides to and from the parade route. It should still be good in August.
Guys!
Let’s keep this between you and me for now, but I’ve got something special for you. I got YouGov to put this question into a U.S. poll:
“I would rather watch presidential candidates compete in reality TV-style competitions (e.g., The Amazing Race, Survivor) than watch them in a televised debate.”
Strongly agree
Somewhat agree
Neither agree nor disagree
Somewhat disagree
Strongly disagree
They’re sending me the results (crosstabs, too!) on Monday, July 1, so watch for a special midday email then. No, this is not a joke. I mean, it is, but the poll is real.
What I’m reading
OK, I wrote this one. But my preacher friend David has smart advice on what makes a good apology — and how this can apply to crisis communications.
People trust algorithms more than everyone thinks they do, but only when we think we still retain human judgment.
I’ve worked for both Castro brothers. They are the two politicians I’ve ever worked for who represented the ideal I had that our leaders should be smarter, better-educated, wiser, and harder-working than the rest of us. This profile of Julián depicts the man I know, and this paragraph nails it:
“This has come up in the conversation of people saying, ‘Oh, you know, you’re boring,’ or that I don’t drink or I haven’t gotten in trouble or whatever,” Castro said. “Well, no shit. I was trying to make sure that I could take advantage of this first chance because I didn't think I was going to have a second chance.”
Fact-checking isn’t working. Here’s how some journalists in the UK, Africa, and Argentina are proposing to fix it.
So many fascinating things in this article: doomsday books about automatization are outselling optimistic ones; that thing you keep seeing about 47% of American jobs being at high risk of automation by the mid-2030s is commonly misinterpreted; and does Engels’s pause explain income inequality and wage stagnation?
Of course the Winklevoss twins are billionaires because of Bitcoin. Of fucking course.
Dude. More than 9 million people play Candy Crush for more than three hours a day.
Next time someone says both parties have become extreme, print this article out, roll it up, and whack them with it: “The Republican Party leans much farther right than most traditional conservative parties in Western Europe and Canada, according to an analysis of their election manifestos. It is more extreme than Britain’s Independence Party and France’s National Rally (formerly the National Front), which some consider far-right populist parties. The Democratic Party, in contrast, is positioned closer to mainstream liberal parties.”
The photographer who took that picture of the father and the daughter tells her story.
Bernie’s whole schtick is that he’s the most electable, which makes data showing him less popular and less well-known than Biden is swing states maybe a wee little bit awkward.
If you’re wondering what the deal is with Augusta National, read this.
My other friend Bryan wrote about black trans women. Packs a wallop.
It’s good to know that I have not lost my capacity for shock. Apparently the way rock-climbing routes get named is that the first guy who climbs it, names it. It’s usually a guy, which is how you end up with routes named “Parade of Whores.”
Need another reason for increasing newsroom diversity? Most reporters and editors form impressions of their readers anecdotally, and as a consequence now think their readers more closely resemble 1970s America.
Wow did John Delaney make the wrong impression in the first debate. His negatives more than doubled. On the flip side, Castro’s positives went up 18.1 percent, the biggest jump of anyone — and went up from 0.3 percent to 2.1 percent in one Democratic primary poll.
The yield curve has been inverted for a month, which usually predicts a recession.
Gen Z is more stressed about mass shootings than about money. It is by far the most stressed-out generation but the least-likely to vote.
More political journalism like this, please.
Low bar, but this is the most-intelligent discussion of the outfits candidates wore that I can remember reading.
What I’m watching
I do not know what to make of Years & Years yet. HBO’s new limited series casts Emma Thompson as a present-day Boris Johnson-Donald Trump type and then lets the world unspool into the near future. The virtue of the show — and I’ve only seen the pilot so far — is that it captures what it feels like to pay attention to the world and to try to make your way regardless. I can’t tell you anything more useful that this, and I’m not quite sure if it’s a comedy, a satire, or a warning. Is panic a genre?
What I’m listening to
Can I tell you the sweetest thing that happened to me? I just so touched by this and wanted to share it with someone. Last night my youngest son, a few days shy of his 16th birthday, asked to use a credit card so he could get concert tickets because Aries is coming to town. He turned me onto Aries, so I knew a little bit about his emo hip-hop schtick. Would we call this Easy Listening Hip-Hop? No, reader, we would not. It wouldn’t do. This is, however, dad-friendly hip-hop, which sounds like an insult but isn’t. Also, my friend C.N. assures me that emo hip-hop is actually cool, which I have now ruined by calling it “dad-friendly hip-hop,” but them’s the breaks. I do not make the rules.
I gave him the credit card and asked him who he was going to a concert downtown with, which is my nod toward responsible parenthood. Because if a 16-year-old boy is going to be dodging drunks and the homeless on 6th Street after dark, by god I will want to know which of his smelly friends will be with him. And he told me that he wanted me to go with him. He remembered that when he told me he was getting into emo hip-hop that I downloaded Aries and liked a couple of his songs. I had actually forgotten about it. He had not. And then he played me Nirvana’s “Rape Me” on his new Fender that he got as an early birthday present while I tried to stay in the moment and not completely freak out.
So yeah, I’m listening the hell out of Aries. Gonna buy the T-shirt and everything.
What do you think of today's email? I'd love to hear your thoughts, questions and feedback. I might even put ‘em in the newsletter if I don’t steal it outright.
Enjoying this newsletter? Forward to a friend! They can sign up here. Unless of course you were forwarded this email, in which case you should…
Want to contribute to the cause? Honestly, I’m not doing this for the money. I’m writing this newsletter for myself, and for you. And a lot of you are contributing with letters and by suggesting articles for me to post. Some of you have asked for a way to donate money, so I’m posting my Venmo and PayPal information here. I promise to waste every cent you give me on having fun, because writing this newsletter for you is some of the most fun I’ve had. Venmo me at @Jason-Stanford-1, or use this PayPal link below.